Our Divine Lady

I’ve been married now for several years. From my experience, people tend to think we find our partners and we marry them either out of delusion (if it’s bad) or out of luck (if it goes well). We measure our spouse and our relationship with key metrics – how often do they cook, do they clean, do they help with the kids, do they earn lot of money, how generous are they, etc. If they fail on these metrics – even just one – grounds for divorce. Despite the love, despite the kids, we want a “partner” – someone who checks off all of our boxes and is able to carry the load of life 50% if not more.
But what is marriage actually?

I contest that marriage has been hijacked by the communist movement – demanding that all parties offer their fair share of the communal pie and that each member of the party has equal say. It sounds good in theory, and when that perfect level of equilibrium does occur – we feel blessed. However, we’re infallible, weakened by our sinful nature, and on top of everything else, we have demons in our ears trying to get us to hate our spouse. So although perfection is ideal and we feel deserving of it – in reality – is partnership in a marriage worth pursuing?

I think we have a tendency to wear the metrics on our chest like a badge of honor – “my spouse cooks,” or “my spouse buys me whatever I want.” But marriage – true marriage – which exists only when blessed by God – is so much more than a mere partnership. Marriage is the combination of two distinct souls into one. One soul – one flesh. It’s hard to see our marriage this way because our eyes clearly see two distinct people – but like the eucharist – our souls have undergone a transformation only visible in the spiritual realm. I argue this is the only real metric – the state of the souls.

Similar to the Trinity – three distinct beings but ultimately one God – a married couple is two distinct beings with but ultimately one soul. What God has brought together – no man can separate – but how does this translate into practice? We should pray for our spouse to become a Saint, and do everything in our power to help them stay on the path towards sainthood. Anyone that truly loves God and wishes to please Him, will not easily abuse, cheat, or lie. In real life application – we should not track how much we do compared to them – which we have all heard and can feel impossible at times. Instead, we should serve fully and without reservation. When the Lord tells us to not only give our tunic but our cloak as well – He is asking us to give to the best of our ability. My ability will differ day to day, and will differ from my spouse’s ability, and the abilities of other wives. The Lord favored the offering of Abel and not of Cain’s because Abel gave without reservation to God, while Cain got stuck measuring and comparing offerings. We should serve God and our families unreservedly.

We must not only serve our spouse – but remain committed to our vow. When we see a man commit to the clergy to become a priest – we do not think that he will one day give up his vocation and join us laymen if he becomes unhappy. We assume he will be a priest until he dies, and we rely on his commitment to priesthood for stability in the church – just as our children rely on the commitment of our marriage for stability in the home. Marriage is our vocation – and regardless of who we are married to – it is the lifelong vow we took on. The vocation is not easy and does not promise happiness. But since God sowed in our heart the desire for marriage – it must mean that He wants us to succeed in this path.

For the people stuck in a miserable, loveless marriage, you are not “unlucky” – the unhappy marriage is the cross you are called to carry. We can separate from our spouses (which we shouldn’t do lightly) but ultimately our souls are combined until death. We should remember to pray, offer our hardships and heartaches to God, and pray rosaries for our spouse. We should act with purpose as our actions will serve as an example for discipleship to the Lord. We are called to love our mean and spiteful spouse – as we are called to love our enemies. Offer charity and grace as we do with our neighbors. I was reminded by God during a tough point in my marriage when I was convinced my husband was inherently terrible and I couldn’t help but see every major flaw and mistake he had done – that my husband is lovely (hence why I married him) and that the issue was not him – but was the devil.

This is an unpopular thing to tell people. That our issues sometimes are due to the devil. But it is often the case. The devil whispers in my ear when my husband disappoints me. He causes undue suspicion, feelings of vengeance, wrath, and plants ideas in my head that other husbands are far superior to mine. He casts doubt on the love between us. I can choose to dwell in these thoughts – allow them to linger and move my emotions, or, I can have faith – that a marriage that resulted in the combination of souls by God will not fail. That God is on our side – that he chose me to be in this marriage – good or bad – and potentially, he chose me to be the wife of my spouse specifically because I am the perfect person to help bring him to the feet of our Lord.