Our Divine Lady

Today my friend called with tears in her throat and a weakness to her voice that made it seem like she was barely holding on. I heard the wilted voice on the other end of the phone and dropped my cheery greeting to probe what was wrong. I often experience, that when I am truly on the edge, and someone asks me what is wrong, my guard collapses, and tears have no choice but to escape without ceasing. This was the case for her. She cried without saying anything but “I’m sorry.” She repeatedly apologized for crying to me, for “bothering me,” and in a sense I could tell she was apologizing out of shame. She apologized to me for her tears, for her sadness, and in her own words, for her “weakness.”

Without revealing the cause behind her grief – she cried quietly – and repeated the apologies – as if I could somehow take away her suffering through my forgiveness – which I could not. I know for a fact she is dealing with serious struggles that would drive any woman genuinely mad. I asked her sincerely, “Did you do anything to me?” I asked, and I was genuinely curious. Perhaps she had put a curse on me, or had betrayed me in some hidden way, and was expressing guilt for it now. But she stopped and confessed, that she had not done me harm – but just wished that she could offer me support in some way, instead of being the one who needs a shoulder to cry on.

I personally have struggled with pride – and I have come to the point where I can sincerely say that I do not possess superhuman strength, resolve, patience, willpower, or anything else that has allowed me to progress in life, and be the mother that I want to be. In moments of despair and desperation, I cling to God like a scared child clings to his mother. I pray incessantly to God and Our Lady for help and support, because I know for a fact that if I let go of Him, I will drown. But through the grace that He gives me, I’ve watched myself endure marathons of stress, anxiety, and pain.

It is good to rely on our friends, because we are built for love, and as important as it is to offer help, it is a sign of humility to seek help when we need it. But true help and direction only comes from God. I told her to reveal to me her sufferings, but she would not, and so I asked her if she believed in God. She paused and admitted she does, with reproach, and bracing as if I were going to slap her with a ruler like the nuns in the 70s, or yell at her for her sins. But instead I told her with certainty:

“We are all dumb, weak, and fall into the traps of the world, and worse of all, the traps we set for ourselves. The people you see doing everything ‘right’ are not gods, while you, a mere mortal are doomed to suffer and fall endlessly. It is simply, that God gives us the strength to overcome our stupidity, weakness, and the temptation to fall. Just tell Him ‘God, I give you my foolishness, my shortcomings, and all my suffering. You know everything I have gone through, and everything I desire, please help me.’”

She snapped out of her spiral and with bold confidence told me I was right, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. She proclaimed that He is the good shepherd. Then we proceeded with an hour of talking about this or that. Her tears had dried up, her assurance returned, and the cloud looming over her head was left behind.

We are all this friend. We feel the weight of our failure, and can’t help but blame ourselves for every fall as if we are inherently broken, and there is no hope. Ashamed of ourselves because despite our 5 year plans, and 10 year plans, we find no progress, but instead, potential regression. We apologize for our mere existence when the shame is great enough. But let’s remind ourselves that without God, even the tallest tower falls. I am nothing without Him, and anything that is impressive about me is meant to turn your eyes back to Him.